Self-Coaching

Self-Coaching - How the Coach Impacts Himself Before His Clients Self-Coaching - How the Coach Impacts Himself Before His Clients The client does not benefit from the coach's knowledge as much as from their presence. This presence is not formed in the training room alone, but in the silent sessions the coach holds with themselves, and in the questions they dare to ask themselves before asking others. Article Contents Why does a coach need to coach themselves? What is self-coaching? The coach's five principles The CPQLTD Ten-Minute Methodology How does the impact transfer to the client? Internal communication during the session The coach's question bank for themselves Reverse reading with clients The coach's covenant with themselves Scientific references 1. Introduction: Why does a coach need to coach themselves? Every time I sit before a new client, I rediscover a truth that no one taught us at the beginning of our training careers: the client does not benefit from your knowledge as much as from your presence. And your presence is not formed in the training room, nor between the pages of books, but in the silent sessions you hold with yourself every morning, and in the questions you dare to ask yourself before asking others. I have spent more than three decades listening to people; teachers, leaders, executives, parents, lost young people, and women searching for their voice. Throughout all these years, I have not reached a deeper conviction than this: A coach who does not practise coaching on themselves consumes their clients rather than serving them. Research by Bachkirova (2016) confirmed that 'the self is the most complex and sensitive instrument in the coach's hand', and that its development is no less important than developing the technical skills of practice. Because this topic touches the very core of our profession, I have chosen, at CPQLTD Academy, to build with my team a qualification system founded on a firm conviction: We cannot grant a certificate to a coach who has not first subjected themselves to what they will subject their clients to. 2. What is self-coaching? Scientific definition and practical application Self-coaching is not a fleeting internal dialogue, nor silent contemplation, nor reading a self-development book. Sutton (2020) defined it as 'a systematic practice in which the individual subjects themselves to a professional structure of questioning, listening, reflection, and commitment, precisely mirroring the structure to which their client is subjected'. The fundamental difference between meditation and self-coaching is that the former observes, while the latter moves. Meditation asks: 'What do I feel?', while self-coaching asks: 'What will I do with what I feel? What is holding me back? And what is the first step I will take before sunset?'. Grant (2017) pointed to the importance of high-quality professional conversations, and in my field experience with the hundreds of coaches I have trained through CPQLTD, I have observed that the absence of this practice produces a phenomenon I have called 'the exhausted coach'. This is a coach who is skilled with questions, knows the models, and memorises the theories, yet leaves every session drained because they are carrying what is not theirs to carry. They take clients' burdens home with them, and wake up having lost the boundary between their own self and their clients' selves. This is not coaching; this is depletion. 3. The five principles of a coach who practises coaching on themselves At CPQLTD, we have built the professional qualification system on five daily principles that the professional coach lives by, which together represent what de Haan & Gannon (2017) describe as 'disciplined professional awareness': Daily clarity: Begin your day with a single question: 'What does today's client need from me, and what does Nasser need from Nasser?' Separating the two is the beginning of professionalism. Professional boundaries: Know when to close the door. A coach who does not practise boundaries with themselves cannot uphold them with their clients. The session ends at the sixtieth minute, and the story does not go to bed with you. Inner listening: Listen to yourself with the same quality you listen to your client: without interrupting, without passing judgement, and without a desire for immediate fixing. Passmore & Sinclair (2020) confirmed that the quality of self-listening is a direct indicator of the quality of professional listening. Daily reflection: Set aside fifteen minutes at the end of the day to review your sessions: what moved within me? What did I say that was unnecessary? What question do I regret not asking? A coach for your coach: Have your own coach. This is not a luxury; it is a professional requirement adopted by major accrediting bodies such as the ICF and EMCC. One cannot see one's own eye except in a mirror, and a coach who claims to see themselves without a mirror deceives themselves and depletes their clients. 4. How do you practise coaching on yourself? The CPQLTD Ten-Minute Methodology At CPQLTD, we developed a practical methodology we called 'the coach's ten-minute methodology': ten minutes in the morning, ten minutes after each session, and ten minutes before sleep. It is not meditation, but an intelligent self-inquiry following a clear structure, drawing inspiration from the GROW model (Whitmore, 2017) but redirecting it towards the coach's own self rather than the client. The structure consists of four consecutive stages, which you can apply with a small notebook, in your phone notes, or even while driving: Positioning Where am I now, physically, emotionally, and mentally? Am I present, or is something from yesterday's session still lingering within me? The stronger question: 'If my current state were a colour, what colour would it be?' Colour is a language that transcends mental justification. Honest Inquiry Questions I do not run from: What am I avoiding seeing in myself this week? What did I say to a client yesterday that I know I do not apply to myself? Which client provokes me, and why? Is the provocation from them, or from something within me that they remind me of? Reverse Reading Take every conviction you hold as truth and turn it upside down to see what happens. Example: my conviction that I am 'an empathetic coach'. What if I am not empathetic, but rather avoiding confrontation and calling it empathy? This technique draws on inverse thinking (Munger, 2005). Micro-Commitment One very small step that can be implemented within 24 hours. Not 'I will be a better coach', but 'In my third session tomorrow, I will refrain from giving advice and limit myself to only three questions'. Accumulated small commitments are what build the coach (Clear, 2018). 5. From self to client: how the impact transfers through three bridges When you practise coaching on yourself regularly, a transformation occurs that no one sees but that is heard in every session. The client will feel that you are present without understanding why. They will tell you: 'I don't know, but when I sit with you, I see myself clearly.' This presence is the direct product of self-coaching, and it is what Silsbee (2018) describes as 'Mature Presence' . The client does not respond to tools, but to the coach's presence. That is why CPQLTD Academy requires every trainee to keep a daily self-coaching log during the qualification period, and considers it a criterion for advancement, on a par with hours of practice with clients. 1. The listening bridge When you train yourself to listen to yourself without interrupting, this ability transfers automatically to your sessions. You will no longer plan your next question while the client is speaking, because you have become accustomed to being present with your own voice without planning your response to it. 2. The silence bridge A coach who practises silence with themselves is skilled at giving the client productive professional silence. Whereas one who fears silence within themselves will fill the client's silence with words and advice to avoid confronting what that silence stirs within them. 3. The reverse reading bridge When you practise turning your own convictions upside down, you find it easier to help your client overturn theirs. You will not fear embarrassing them with a question that shakes their certainty, because you have grown accustomed to shaking your own certainty daily. 6. The coach's internal communication during the session This is a section rarely addressed in qualification programmes, yet it is among the most important things we teach at CPQLTD: what happens in the coach's head and heart during the session itself? And how do they maintain healthy communication with themselves while in service of their client? The professional coach does not erase themselves during the session, but rather makes themselves a precisely calibrated instrument. This requires what Bachkirova & Borrington (2019) call 'Parallel Self-Monitoring' ; a silent internal dialogue that runs in parallel with the visible conversation with the client, answering four questions throughout the session: 1. What do I feel now? Continuous observation of my physical and emotional sensations. Tightness in the chest? Perhaps the client is touching on a subject relevant to me. Boredom? Perhaps the client is avoiding the core of the issue, and I am following them in that avoidance. 2. What is being activated within me? Is an inner critic stirring, wanting to fix things? Is a rescuer stirring, wanting to solve the problem instead of the client? Is a personal experience stirring, wanting to be projected onto the client? Naming what is activated is half of neutralising it. 3. Am I in service of the client, or in service of myself? A harsh but necessary question. Sometimes we ask questions because they will make us look clever, not because the client needs them. A coach who notices this in themselves returns immediately to the seat of service. 4. What does the client need at this exact moment? Not what they need in general, but at this very minute. Silence? A question? An observation? A challenge? A reframing? Flexibility in identifying the momentary need is a sign of professional maturity. 7. The coach's question bank for themselves (40 practical questions) These questions were not gathered theoretically; I tested them myself over the years, and an elite group of trainers at CPQLTD test them with me today. Choose five questions per week and stay with them for seven days, then move on to the next five. This organised practice of professional reflection is what Schön (1983) calls 'Reflection-in-Practice'. Pre-day questions With what intention am I entering my work today? Which client's session am I avoiding thinking about today, and why? What do I want to learn about myself today? What boundary will I uphold today that I did not uphold yesterday? What impression do I want today's clients to leave with about themselves, not about me? Post-session questions What did I say that I could have left unsaid? What question was I afraid to ask? And what frightened me about it? When did I feel that I had left the coach's seat and moved into the consultant's seat? What stirred within my body during the session, and what was it telling me? If I were to repeat this session, what is the one thing I would change? Questions about the relationship with the self What coaching do I need this week that I am not giving myself? What conviction do I hold as truth that I have not overturned in years? What part of my own story is still creeping into my sessions without my permission? When was the last time I sat with a coach as a client, not as a coach? What am I learning about myself from the clients who provoke me? Professional boundaries questions Am I carrying anything from yesterday's session that is not mine to carry? Do I respond to clients' messages during my personal time because they need me, or because I need them to need me? Which session ran over time this week, and why? Do I say 'no' easily, or is my agreeing to everything a sign of anxiety rather than generosity? What issue should I have referred my client to another specialist for, and have not yet done so? Professional growth questions What skill have I mastered to the point that it now conceals a weakness in another skill? What book should I read this month that I have not yet started? Which coach do I admire, but fear learning from, because that would mean admitting I am not at their level? Which sector or category of clients do I refuse to work with, without knowing the real reason? Which training programme have I been postponing joining for two years? Reverse reading questions What if my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness? What if the client I describe as 'resistant' is, in truth, the only client who tells me the truth? What if my calmness is not maturity, but avoidance? What if my enthusiasm is not passion, but disguised anxiety? What if my current success is what is preventing me from the success I dream of? Evening questions What moment am I proud of today in my work? What moment do I wish I could redo differently? Who did I thank today? And who deserves thanks that I did not give? What did I learn today that I did not know yesterday? With what intention will I sleep, in preparation for a tomorrow in which I show up professionally? Golden chapter questions (the ten annual questions) Where will I be professionally in a year if I continue as I am now? What kind of coach do I want to be before I retire? What legacy do I wish to leave for the Arab school of coaching? What session do I dream of delivering, whose opportunity has not yet come? How will my clients remember me ten years from today? 8. Reverse reading with clients: the art of honestly shaking certainty We have discussed reverse reading as a tool for the coach's own self. But this same tool, once mastered by the coach on themselves, becomes among the deepest things that can be offered to a client. Reverse reading with a client is neither provocation nor doubt, but a respectful invitation to see what they refuse to see. It is close to the 'constructive challenge' technique described by Kimsey-House et al. (2018) in the Co-Active Coaching model. The golden rule: Do not apply reverse reading to the client before applying it to yourself on the same topic. A coach who asks their client to overturn a conviction that they themselves have not overturned in their own life is practising an incomplete art. At CPQLTD, we teach our trainees that reverse reading passes through four consecutive teaching moments: The moment of capture: Catch the conviction the client raises as absolute truth. Words such as: 'always', 'never', 'everyone', 'impossible'. These are not descriptions; they are closed doors waiting for someone to knock. The moment of gentle verification: Before turning it over, verify gently: 'I noticed you said always—is it truly always, or does our memory sometimes shorten things?' This is not confrontation; it is an invitation to examine. The moment of soft overturning: Present the counter-possibility as a hypothesis, not a judgement: 'What if we looked at this issue from the opposite angle for just three minutes, as a thought experiment?' Using the word 'experiment' eases resistance. The moment of integration: Do not leave them at the turning point; bring them back to the middle: 'Now that you have seen both angles, where exactly do you see yourself between them?' The goal is not to convince them of the opposite of their conviction, but to widen the angle from which they see. Professional caution: Reverse reading is not a tool for every client. There are clients in a psychologically fragile phase whose convictions cannot withstand overturning; they need stabilising instead. The professional coach reads their client's maturity before reading their convictions, and this part of the reading is only learned by one who has practised reading their own maturity on themselves (Hawkins & Smith, 2013). 9. Conclusion: the coach's covenant with themselves During the years I spent founding CPQLTD and developing its professional qualification curriculum, we discovered that organisations served by a coach who practises coaching on themselves develop at a faster rate than others. The reason is simple: the organisation takes its model from the coach's presence, not from their knowledge. When a coach who is present with themselves enters the boardroom, their presence infects the leaders. And when a distracted coach enters, their distraction infects everyone. Therefore, I will conclude this article by summarising a small covenant for you; if you can live by it for just one week, you will notice a difference in your sessions: I treat myself as my most important client, and I give myself a daily session of no less than fifteen minutes. I keep my own coach, and I go to them even if I feel I am fine. I write down, every day, one question I asked myself that frightened me, and I return to it after a week. I release myself from my clients' sessions before I sleep, and I do not carry any of them into the dawn. I practise reverse reading on one of my own convictions every week. I decline any client I cannot serve with full presence, and I honestly refer them to someone who deserves them. I celebrate my silence in the session as much as I celebrate my questions. I remind myself every morning that my profession is service, not performance, and not a platform. This is not so much an article about coaching as it is a message to everyone entrusted by a client with a stage of their journey. When a human being sits before you and opens up to you what they have not opened up to those closest to them, know that you are facing a trust, not a transaction. And this trust is not preserved by certificates alone, but by you, the coach, being the one who most subjects yourself to what you ask of others. CPQLTD Academy is not a school for teaching questions; it is a school for shaping the coach who lives what they say. Begin today, not by reading a new book, nor by attending a new workshop, but with a single question you ask yourself right now: 'What does the coach within me need from me today?' And listen to the answer as if it came from your dearest client; because, in truth, it does. 10. Scientific references Bachkirova, T. (2016). The self of the coach: Conceptualization, issues, and opportunities for practitioner development. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 68(2), 143-156. Bachkirova, T., & Borrington, S. (2019). Old wine in new bottles: Exploring pragmatism as a philosophical framework for the discipline of coaching. Academy of Management Learning & Education, 18(3), 337-360. Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Avery. de Haan, E., & Gannon, J. (2017). The coaching relationship. In T. Bachkirova, G. Spence, & D. Drake (Eds.), The SAGE Handbook of Coaching (pp. 195-217). SAGE. Grant, A. M. (2017). The third ‘generation’ of workplace coaching: Creating a culture of quality conversations. Coaching: An International Journal of Theory, Research and Practice, 10(1), 37-53. Hawkins, P., & Smith, N. (2013). Coaching, Mentoring and Organizational Consultancy: Supervision, Skills and Development (2nd ed.). Open University Press. Kimsey-House, H., Kimsey-House, K., Sandahl, P., & Whitworth, L. (2018). Co-Active Coaching: The Proven Framework for Transformative Conversations at Work and in Life (4th ed.). Nicholas Brealey. Munger, C. T. (2005). Poor Charlie’s Almanack: The Wit and Wisdom of Charles T. Munger. Donning Company Publishers. Passmore, J., & Sinclair, T. (2020). Becoming a Coach: The Essential ICF Guide. Springer. Schön, D. A. (1983). The Reflective Practitioner: How Professionals Think in Action. Basic Books. Silsbee, D. (2018). Presence-Based Coaching: Cultivating Self-Generative Leaders Through Mind, Body, and Heart. Jossey-Bass. Sutton, A. (2020). Living the good life: Self-reflection and the psychology of self-coaching. International Coaching Psychology Review, 15(1), 39-57. Whitmore, J. (2017). Coaching for Performance: The Principles and Practice of Coaching and Leadership (5th ed.). Nicholas Brealey. About the author Dr Nasser Al-Fraih Founder of CPQLTD Academy - Coaching Professional Qualification Ltd in London, United Kingdom. An expert in executive coaching, professional performance development and emotional intelligence, with more than three decades of practice in psychological counselling and personal and leadership consultancy. An accredited trainer and supervisor of coaching professional qualification programmes in the Arab region, and recognised as one of the region's top ten coaches according to the International Regulator of Coaching and Mentoring (IRCM). CPQLTD Academy - Academy for Qualifying Coaching Professionals Coaching Professional Qualification Ltd - London, United Kingdom lifecoachqva.com